| chasing storm clouds |
[06 Dec 2009|05:29am] |
i fucking cant stand people.
i hate it when people do things for the soul purpose of making someone else jealous or mad or something etc. i hate people that scream for attention and constantly have to be in the spotlight, i fucking hate cocky people, i hate liars, i hate sneaky people. i hate people who use you. i detest inconsiderate people. i hate people who cant take ANY sorts of small criticism, even when its said nicely or as friendly advice. i hate people that dont ever make an effort.
i feel like being antisocial for a while. (but there are still a couple ppl i can stand :P)
on another note
i worked with roger today. for some RANDOM reason he brought something up, OUT OF NO WHERE.
i'm not going to go into detail but.. he wants me to go after something ...and he doesnt believe my reasons for not doing so.. were justifiable. he says there will never be closure if i dont. but its just something.. i cant do.
i cant shake this feeling i have. the feelings/emotions stick even though i know its something im not even completely sure about, it just sticks.
its like its something that exists.. but doesnt ACTUALLY fucking exist. (i sound high dont i? lol.. if you knew, it would make sense [not high])
its one of those "something that will never be" kind of things.. and its just heartbreaking. something that could, but just cant. ...or wont? i dunno.
i guess the way i feel has digressed by a lot... but its still there.
im stuck in a mode i cant get out of.
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[30 Sep 2009|04:08am] |
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 depressed |
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maybe i do need this.
i feel helpless.
i feel like im never going to be as happy as i would like to be.
i feel behind.
i feel like theres too much in my life out of reach.
maybe im just never satisfied with myself.. even though im moving forward, im steps behind from where i would like to be.. leaps behind.. furlongs.. lightyears.. imo.
maybe i need to stop searching for happiness.
maybe i need to stop depending on other people for it
but what happens when you cant ever satisfy yourself, the feeling that nothing is ever up to par.. what do you do then?
i feel like a horse with a carrot on a string tied to my head. fucking constantly.
but is that life? just a fucking constant hustle for happiness?
its starting to seem like it.
i havent cried or felt like this in a long time. its pathetic.
what am i doing wrong? someone please tell me. kthnx.
in other news. i really hate Clarie's new friend (Heroes newest episode)
im watching the new Family Guy now. ive been hearing epic things :)
im going to watch the new Office episodes soon too :P im behind
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[27 Sep 2009|02:38pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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OHAI2U.
it doesnt really feel like i use this thing anymore. its been what, *looks* three months?
ha and it was about JD. lol THAT really lasted.. i had doubts about him from the beginning, i should of stuck to my instincts, shit shouldnt be forced.
shits alright i guess, could be better. it doesnt feel like i need this anymore, i have enough people in my life that i can rant to about my woes, and i guess nothing too drastic has happened lately.
mewmewmew
my social life has kinda died, everyone is broke or something, i dont have a boyfriend to hang around with, im not really dating anymore cuz everyone just puts me off for one reason or another, and ive fallen back into playing videogames again on a regular basis too.
but its kinda okay, i actually have things to do, which is nice, going to school (ZOMG I GOT THE HIGHEST SCORE ON MY PRECALC TEST IN THE CLASS!! A 99%!!! THIS NEVER EVER EVER HAPPENS. I GET F's lol) im Laura's commissioner for ICC @ SMC and i work at teh starbucks on the days i have off from school. im actually doing well, im not struggling at it and for once things feel kinda balanced and positive.
it would be nice though to have at least one day a week where i can go out and hang at the bar or see a movie or do something though, but it doesnt seem to happen that much. i have been going out to dinner with laura ever so often though.
and it would be nice to have a guy around to swoon over too but lifes unfair isnt it?
laura said something to me the other day, which was interesting, i wish i could of copy and pasted this but it was on Facebook chat. i'll try to be as concise, as possible but this is what she pretty much said. she said, out of my whole dating history, in her perspective, i never go for well established guys, i chose "more difficult" situations, and because of this, she worries about me.
and I GUESS this is true, (no wait! i dated marcos! and he graduated from UCLA with a BA in Physics and a minor is Math..) i was supposed to go on a date with this guy who is a manager of a bank and is getting his Phd in Pysch at UCLA, but i flaked (he wasnt that cute). and this guy who graduated from UC Berkley with a BA in microbiology (or something) kept on calling me and i started avoiding him (he was kinda weird!!!).
but SERIOUSLY, i dont do it purposefully. i guess how "established" of a person you are doesnt matter to me that much.. it all revolves around the kind of person you are, how much i have in common with you and etc. idk i guess what she said was kinda weird.. and i mean PLUS, who is she to say anything, its not like she or i am well established in life either.
another thing laura and sarah were saying to me in the office while i was talking to this guy about videogames (not interested in him though). sarah was giving me a thumbs up and saying that guys completely fall for girls that are into those kinds of things. but to be honest, this isnt really that true. theres honestly only a handful who fall into that category, guys like girly girls :P.. they say they DONT but they do.. and usually it puts me in the friend category, i can be girly but idk, i guess its hard to explain, im a mix-up. and its kind of a weird situation cuz i only like guys that play videogames and i only like them if they dont suck at them lol.. and i guess they dont understand how retarded and complicated my situation is lol. it doesnt matter either way if someone likes me, im too picky :P and anyone who likes me i dont like.. and anyone i like, doesnt like me back.. or i havent just havent found/met them yet LAWLZ. my taste is way too skewed.
i think theres soemthing wrong with me, i have issues with making friends. Roger says im intimidating, and Harmony kinda said that im hard to approach.. and i guess ive just only recently come to realize that. it takes a while for me to soften up. i dont really talk to people i dont know, i seem super antisocial, maybe its cuz i am? and idk its just awkward for me :\ i dont like being fake, and it seems like you have to be with new people you dont know, especially since i can be pretty crude sometimes, i have to be cautious about my boundaries.
but i have been talking to some people in the ICC office.. laura and sarah are trying to push me at some of the guys there, they think i would be a good match for them. i guess im KINDA interested... but more so apathetic, i guess i dont really feel like settling for anything less than what i deem as "perfect" (which is pretty skewed compared to most people). and i think ive become picky to the point where its unhealthy... i dont know.
this was the longest and most boring entry EVAR. its not like anyone reads this anyways :3 im just ranting and taking up space :P
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[05 Jun 2009|08:38am] |
if you make yourself a profile on sexsearch.com.. you OBVIOUSLY have issues. lol.
wwhat a waste. you had SUCH potential as a person.
its kinda scary falling so deeply for a person that isnt who he says he is or is showing himself to be.
i guess this is kinda like some Ricky Lake episodes of "i'm married to a sex addict." lol where your husband has this whole other side that came out of no where.. lol and you find him like in the bathroom in a bondage outfit or something lol (KINDA like that, lol you know what i mean..)
he might of not of completely physically cheated on me, but how he was was so creepily close to it.
maybe he needs to find someone that is okay with what he does, but i dont think he ever wanted that kind of girl (as a girlfriend) cuz if he did, he would of been open about it.
i have a feeling that hes against his partner doing things, but in his mind, if he can get away with it, what HES doing is okay... or maybe he knows its wrong but hes just.. stuck?
i think he LIVES and BREATHES by the motto, "what you dont know cant hurt you"
but im a hypocrite.. to an extent. i cheated on one of my ex's once, it was a mistake that i never did again.. i never told him and he STILL doesnt know... :P
lifes confusing, and difficult... whats right and whats not right? and to what extent can something be taken? when is it right to not say something?
its like rules are constantly bouncing around on a trampoline
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| i have to remember. |
[04 Jun 2009|05:37am] |
i need to stop forgetting.
he wasnt ever going to stop.
he wasnt ever going to stop.
he wasnt ever going to stop cheating on me.
he was a "good" guy (i have a skewed view of what a good person is)
but its just who he is/was, and i cant change that...
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| this is just a bunch of random jumbled thoughts, sorry. |
[02 Jun 2009|04:44am] |
i talked to him again. he msged me and sent me an email saying that he read what i wrote and said that he honestly hopes i dont think that he was that bad of a person and a bunch of other stuff, explaining why stuff happened...
and i honestly do believe him. theres no way that what i felt from him was fake... people dont spend that much time and act that way and do stupid little things he did if they really didnt care.
i fucked up in the past with guys i cared about.. i understand why he did some of the things he did. yet.. at the same time... sometimes i just think i make too many excuses for the guys i fall for... ive done it with EVERY guy, i guess i have a skewed view on what a good and a bad person is... im too understanding about peoples mistakes and reactions and fuck ups. maybe because i know ive fucked up in the past, and i had what i believed was a kinda excusable explanation for my actions? people get lost with themselves sometimes.. it happens.
he said that everything he did meant nothing, all the flirting meant nothing, that it was something he was so used to doing that it was just like driving or reading a book or something. thats kinda scary that someone could be capable of that, that they could care about you but turn around and be completely capable of just doing things like that.
and its so utterly frustrating because normally, going out and cheating coincides with how much you care about someone.. but in this case, things just dont match up. its frustrating knowing that he did care, but things like this happened...
me and him did rush into the relationship fairly quick though.. and it didnt really give him enough time to get to know me in general and stop everything he was so used to doing... and i fell for him, got too comfortable let my guard down completely, like ive never done before since probably with david arai, and jst made myself so vulnerable. i was able to be myself around him, we instantly just flowed together..
and with all this im not saying that what he did was okay.. im just, trying to divide in my head and make sense out of the person i saw/felt, and the hidden person i didnt understand that was cheating on me. piecing together and trying to understand how someones brain works, how someone is effected by experiences, how someone can become used to doing something and think its okay to do, and why they do the things they do, why they are who they are. dividing the scrambled mix of actions that dont piece together and trying to make sense of it.
whats funny is that, i tell him everything i feel, i always make myself completely vulnerable and weak, i dont know why, i guess i just dont like the complexity of holding myself back, not being who i am and playing emotional games with someone... and the thing is.. he doesnt really take advantage of it though like how i can imagine some people could..
its really hard getting over this. i keep on imagining him with other girls, and it makes me feel so utterly miserable. thinking about random stupid shit we did together, that he was such a baby and made me kill bugs for him (lol omg. so the night before the last huge fight, when i found the last bit of shit out after snoopin on his computer... he saw a beetle a "june bug" lol fly into his room and land somewhere by his dresser (lol it was smaller than a pinto bean) and he was too scared to go near it, so i did. and i found it, but i didnt want to kill it so i tried trapping it in a box and for some reason he brings me pliers lol like im going to pinch it and kill it with pliers. and it ends up flying up in the air and landing in the back corner where his bed is.. lol and he gets upset that i didnt kill it lolol and so i go looking for it and cant find it lol and he was even too scared to sleep in the corner, close to where it landed so i did lol.) ANYWAYS.. just hearing him nerdily say "ZOOONG" in my head, watching the E3 microsoft conference and thinking about him hacking xboxs for people, how we played through all of resident evil 5 together, thinking about how awesome his MGS alert ringtones were and how geeky he was about it, how jealous i was of his new iphone and how he would tease me about it, how he would try to hold my hand or show affection whenever i was in the back seat away from him while he was in the front passenger seat, how much i liked how he smothered me and how he was okay how i smothered him, that he was such a baby about head rubs and back scratches, how we would always try to beat eachother at "thats what he/she said" jokes, how we would wait for eachother for tv shows, how it made me giggle when he did the robot and we would just randomly bust out with the robot in the car, how gay we both were for cats and randomly meowing at eachother. how i would keep him company on long car rides and trips, how we would go grocery shopping or something and i would help him find/get stuff and make decisions, that we were comfortable farting on eachother. that i was so comfortable with all his roomates. that he liked all the little random qualities about myself that i have that most girls dont have, that he was pushing me to go back to school and i was going to push him too. and private sexual matters that im not going to delve into were just comfortably quirky and hilarious too. i never smoked around him either, and maybe drank once at a party, when those 2 things were something i did a lot of before him, i didnt care for those things when i was around him...
i can go on and on... but its really over this time...
...im stuck with what could of been, wishing there was some magical way it all could of still worked out. frustrated at the situation and having no control over it. knowing whats right and what works but not being able to do it and make it happen anymore. knowing something is just gone...
knowing that if things just sprung back at this moment, with knowing what we did wrong and knowing what we neeed to change, it probably still wouldnt work..
maybe he did change after the last BIG TALK we had, and things would of been good if i didnt keep on being suspicious and digging.. but it happened and i did dig up more stuff and found out he did other things before we decided to put "everything that happened behind us", that that he kept from me.
and its hard being okay with something bad that was hidden from you even when the person has stopped/changed. it was still wrong that he didnt tell me about it, and that he told me that nothing else had hapened when i asked.
i guess too much trust was destroyed in the beginning, he was right when he said that it wasnt going to work out the 1st time i found out about something he did wrong. and i was naive i guess.
ryan said from the beginning that we were a "tragically comical match".. and he was right.. our biggest faults were just perfectly mismatched for disaster...
i know jared knows it too, how great we were together and how much potential our relationship had. its just unfair how things had to turn out.
its 6am lawlz. ...luckily i have 3 days off and i can start patching myself up from lack of eating, and lack of any physical activity/movement. i probably didnt eat for 3-4 days straight and ive just been laying in bed. lol. i had so much trouble at work yesterday from lack of sleep and lack of any food/water. it was tragic.
but i think im finally feeling a little bit better. yet i have a feeling im still going to continue with ups and downs for a while.
...its weird, after every other relationship ive been in, ive had something to fall back on.. like drugs, another guy i had already lined up to replace the ex (that was only once), or hooking up with another random ex i was comfortable with.. it was usually always david lol... but this time.. its different, and i dont know why.. all i have this time is myself, friends i can talk to and vent to.. and thats it... i dont have any other methods of coping. its not like i dont have access or capabilites to get to the things i went to before, but.. i just dont want to?
maybe im scared that if i try hooking up with someone, it'll just make me feel shitty about myself and just miss him more? or i wont enjoy it and just feel uncomfortable and unhappy? its easier to just do nothing than risk acting upon something and maybe having to go thru more shit like that.. i dont think anything can fix how i feel except maybe time? or the same feeling i got from being happy with him, which... is really really hard for me to find...
what keeps me feeling better is knowing that, hes kinda on the same boat as me.. going thru some of the same frustrations... thats its probably not going to be easy for him either to find someone else that fits together as well as we did... that im not alone on this. that he feels shitty too, but just keeps better composure about it than i do.. cuz i self destruct, obviously, inside and out. but i guess the difference is is that he supports himself, and its not something that he can afford to do.
99.
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| somthing so good can be so tainted. |
[31 May 2009|09:06pm] |
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we started seeing eachother in Feb. i was so comfortable around him, we got along so well, i wasnt afraid to be myself around him. i havent felt like this around anyone before.
and in march i couldnt help but go thru his phone. i found dirty messages he had between him and his coworker. he swore nothing was going on and they were just joking around. so i forgave him for it and he swore he would stop.
and things continued to be wonderful.
then in april i went on his computer and snooped thru his chat logs on gmail and went thru his messages. and found out he sent his coworker pics of his dick and he had been doing that with girls online constantly for years. while he was will all of his girlfriends too. swapping nude pics and trying to hook up with them. and i also found him flirting with some girl in sanfrancisco telling her how much he wanted to fuck her and wanted her to come down and what he would do to her.
and guess what. i stupidly forgave him for THAT too. he said he would stop, he said he was deleting girls off his AIM so it wouldnt happen again and that he wasnt ever going to act upon anything, that it was just a game to him. and it had nothing to do with me and how much he cared about me, that it was just something he was so used to doing. that it would hurt him too if he ever acted upon anything and he wouldnt ever do that to me, so i tried to be understanding and i forgave him.
AND THEN. in March, i find him talking to this girl on facebook, theyre flirting around and she invites him over and he talks about how he knows something would happen if he came over. and he keeps on telling her maybe, and this is all while im talking to him on AIM. and i talk to him, asking about who this girl is (cuz she commented on his page too), trying not to let him know that i knew whats going on and what i was reading, and he tells me nothing is going on that he doesnt like her and wouldnt do anythign with her, but he continues talking with her and he ends up telling her that he has to go make an excuse, and he msgs me telling me hes going to bed cuz he has to get up early in the morning. so randomly i tell him, to please not fuck around on me, that i wouldnt be able to deal with him doing that to me and that i care about him and shit. and he goes back to her and tells her he cant go.
later i tell him i knew about what was going on, and he got pissed, saying that he wasnt going to ever go and wasnt planning to, that he knew i was spying on him and he was just baiting me. i swallowed it, believed him, and told him i was sorry for snooping and that i felt horrible. and i made him promise that these things wouldnt happen again that he couldnt do shit like that to me, that he really has to stop and i asked him if there was ANYTHING else he was hiding, and he said no.
and whenever i would randomly ask him about things he would get mad and tell me he stopped and said i needed to stop bringing up shit. that he just wanted to put it all behind us and move on.
and last week, i was on his computer and saw his chat logs. and i find out that a month ago (before the facebook thing) he was still chatting with random girls online, sending them pictures and trying to hang out with them. and he never did stop flirting around with his coworker. it actually went farther, he ended up going to hang out with her and she came over and he kept on touching her, felt her fake boobs cuz she let him. and she has a boyfriend too, whom they both work with. and after that kept on trying to hang out with her again outside of work.
he told me he was never going to put himself in a situation like that, he said he wouldnt ever do anything, it was all a lie. he CONSTANTLY lied to me. how can you look at someone and know what youre doing to them? and not feel remotely bad that ur keeping it from them?
and im fucking pathetic, i kept on believing that he was a good person becuase if i didnt know about the cheating, he would of looked like a great guy and a good person.
i kept on forgiving him and gave him chances. he got mad that i found out about the coworker thing and said "that happened in the past after the last thing happened, i thought we were going to put it all past us and move on" but SERIOUSLY, i didnt expect that things went THAT far. he lied and said nothing ever happened, and his excuse was, "you just dont bring up some things to cause more drama" ...fucking stupid. cuz lying and keeping secrets is REALLY a much better thing to have in a relationship.
i kept on forgiving him, i even tried to this last time too. cuz i believed he changed the time before that, and this was something that happened in the past. that he really wasnt going to hurt me anymore.
and after all that, i asked him for an EXTRA favor. i asked him if he could msg his coworker and tell her that he was with me and that they couldnt flirt around and that they couldnt put themselves in those kinds of situations anymore. and he got mad and SO STRONGLY REFUSED to do it. he said that he didnt like that i was asking him to do that. and also COMPLETELY refused to stop deleting the txt messages he has with her and other girls. whats the point of hiding something when you have NOTHING to hide? unless you are doing something wrong?
and i swallowed it, maybe it wasnt right what i was doing/asking for and i just had to trust him. and he tells me that he doesnt think he feels the same anymore. that he feels awkward and uncomfortable around me. that things had been good and better than they had ever been, but i had to go digging for more things after all the effort he made. so i asked him if he would give it time to sort things out and see how he feels.
i left him alone gave him time, and last night, he flips out on me, accusing me of making up a fake screen name and trying to bait him, and storms off.
all i ever did was care about him, i was so good to him too, he even said so himself, that i was good to him and always gave him more than he would ask for. i never did anything to hurt him. i would of done anything for him, and he knew that.
and last night i came to my senses. hes not going to stop. why would you get SO frantically upset that i would ask you to txt her to tell her you had a gf? i forgave him for so much but he refused to do something SO small for me. and why would you be so strongly against not deleting your txt messages and call logs unless you had something to hide..
how can you repeatedly lie to someone like that? he would get mad at me when i told him he didnt care, that if he did he wouldnt be this capable of doing this to me so many times. i dont think he understands what it means to care about someone... hes cheated on all of his exs too, even ones he claimed he was "in love" with. you cant tell someone you miss them and love them and then go off to fuck someone else behind their back.. how can you even DO that?! how was he able to hold me and tell me he only wanted to be with me, and how hes stopped doing everything bad, yet be able turn around and try to fuck around the next day? its unfathomably two-faced and selfish.
i have too much faith in people, i thought he was a good guy that he was just sidetracked after dating so many random girls, after being cheated on himself, and that he just needed to understand how wrong it all was to do that. there was so much good about him, and it hurts just thinking about all the good shit we had, how great it could of been, how much amazing potenial it had. its really not fair how life works. its really not fair how someone so good could be that tainted.
i was utterly pathetic for begging for him back everytime, saying that i could learn to trust him again and that we could make it work if he would stop, that it would be worth it, and he always swore he would stop.
i just dont understand... how someone can show you how much they care and be so affectionate and say how much they like you, and be the way he was to me, yet be able to constantly do all this behind your back and not even show a hint of remorse of what theyre doing, i dont get it, i dont get how people are capable of doing that.
it was wrong of me to go thru his things, i know. i was sneaky and i broke his trust. but i would of never known ANY of this unless i did... his ex's still believe he was completely faithful and good to them too.
if i wasnt such a snoop, i would of been dumb and blind ...but happy.
i felt something so strongly with him, that things just worked and flowed and connected, that it was just right, but it was all just a lie. what was on the outside was completely different on the inside.
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[23 May 2009|01:13am] |
i think i need to get my life back together again.
and i need to stop caring so much about shit that doesnt matter.
p.s.
im a hypocrite.
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[06 May 2009|05:21pm] |
i want to run away and disappear. start over. and find someone that i can fall in love with and love me back.
/pathetic emo post.
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[04 May 2009|12:33am] |
please dont question this. i really dont want to talk about it.
...why do i stay with someone that i know is and will hurt me and not be faithful?
...i think i love him. i know, so soon. maybe im not and maybe im just infatuated. i dont know what to do.
...i feel trapped. my emotions are pulling me in the wrong direction. and i cant go the right way.
...why cant i just give up and let go.
...why is it that when i feel like ive found utter happiness with someone. someone i can be completely myself around... something happens. its like im being tested. fucked with.
i dont want to live this life im living anymore. i dont want to remember anything.
...why cant things ever work out.
why are there SUCH FUCKING TAINTED people in the world....... i dont get how someone can be so amazing, yet so horrible. it doesnt make any sense.
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[12 Feb 2009|07:34pm] |
it makes me feel gross to date guys that have bad taste in girls.
i mean they find ugly girls attractive. ECK.
i need to stop posting.
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[12 Feb 2009|07:08pm] |
I WONDER HOW MANY PEOPLE READ MY JOURNAL.
like... googled me or something and read my journal... lol and dont tell me they know about it
<<PARANOID.
if youre reading this and youre not on my friends list, post anonymously. ....you dont have to tell me who you are or anything.
...god no ones going to post. i'm just dellusional and think people actually care.. NO ONE CARES lolol who are you kidding marisa. (i can hear harold saying that to me... such a harold thing to say lol <3)
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[11 Feb 2009|02:15pm] |
rarr!! GARR!! ARRR!!!
idk why but i feel shitty. BLEH!!
im so fucking nit pickky WTF!
i'll never be happy.
i'm so fucking broke.
WATS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE. FIX IT NAO!
i need my laptop/geek-life back.
YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO OTHER GIRLS.
I FUCKING HATE BEING BROKE.
i already preordered SF4 and Resident Evil 5... and i dont think i have the $$ to get it right meow.
i think i might already be tired of you.
...this better just be me PMS-ing, and my period coming next week or else im just crazy.
WTF IS UP WITH SCHOOL. WTF. UGH.
i wanna give everyone a one two punch to the face when i see them.
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[01 Feb 2009|05:33pm] |
i rarely post.
god ive been having shitty dating luck. lol
but im actually fine with it. it makes me realize what i actually want.
and its weird, i have the strangest list of characteristics that i look for.
of course smart, good looking, funny, quick witted etc. but theres also weird concise shit.
-ive delved so deep into internet culture that ive gone to the point of no return. all the random crude and obscene humor, memes and internet speak, if you dont get it, or find it funny, it wont work.
-i love videogames, you must also, moreso than me, and be better at them than me, or else i'll think less of you.
-im not allowed to know more about computers than you either, it'd be cool if i knew some things you didnt, but you cant be computer illiterate
-music taste.
-loving animals, including cats. (OMG OTTO DOESNT KNOW WHAT LOLCATS ARE. AND DIDNT FIND THEM AT ALL AMUSING T_T)
...ive also realized something else. ryan was a good thing. we dating for like 6months, he never wanted to get into a relationship, but i stuck around in hopes it would grow into somehting and he would change his mind. but i ended up bailing cuz he was probably never going to get into a relationship with me, and im too monogomous for that kinda shit.
...but it made me realize to have patience, you really actually shouldnt jump into a relationship with someone so quick, it saves you from getting hurt later, i mean whats the rush, you guys are still together, its not right to call someone you barely know your girlfriend or boyfriend and etc. idk.
but at the same time "dating" is so complicated, ugh. BLHA BLAH BLAH BLAH.
my boyfriends LAWLZ
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[30 Dec 2008|02:56pm] |
i dunno if i can do this.
is this ever even going to turn into anything?
we've been dating since july. its almost been 6months. wat da fak
i need to get my license.
thats the only way it'll ever work.
even then i dont even know if it'll ever turn into anything.
what if he sees me just as someone he can date and not as someone he can call his girlfriend.
what does that even mean?
...i dont know.
i hate this.
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[08 Dec 2008|10:21am] |
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...why cant i sleep?
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[04 Nov 2008|04:37am] |
you know what creeps me out?
when someone likes me and i find out someone they had dated or whatever looks kinda like me... ITS CREEPY!
its like that episode of the Simpsons where Flanders tries to make that Christian singer woman look like Maude, his dead wife.
but its okay i guess, im usually so much more of an upgrade... lolol. :3
you know what else bothers me?
when guys (non-asian guys) only date asian girls. WHAT THE FUCK!
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[21 Oct 2008|04:27am] |
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:3 i made the right decision
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